On 17 April 2026, I completed my PhD Milestone 1 presentation in Room 418.307 at Curtin University.
Before the session, I prepared in the presentation room and visited the Graduate Research Exchange poster wall on Level 1 of Building 418, where my project poster was displayed.
I subsequently received confirmation that I had passed Milestone 1, progressing from PhD student to PhD candidate.
纪 PhD Milestone 1。半年之期，我所恐惧的那一天终究如约而至。
A note on PhD Milestone 1. The six-month mark arrived, and with it, the day I had been dreading.
回想过去，每当它临近，我总习惯逃避。把注意力塞进别的事情里，让焦虑停在勉强可以承受的范围。这一招以前屡试不爽，但真正站到它面前时，所有预设的镇定还是会瞬间失效。思维仿佛离开现实，喉咙也被恐惧封住。
Looking back, I have always responded the same way when something like this draws near: I avoid it. I bury myself in other things and keep the anxiety just within a range I can tolerate. The tactic has worked many times before. Yet when the moment actually comes, every bit of calm I rehearsed disappears. My thoughts detach from what is happening, and fear leaves me unable to speak.
这次也一样。这是我第一次在正式场合，用英语面对多人完成 presentation。准备又因为逃避而不够充分。当我突然意识到自己身在何处、正在做什么，恐惧一下子漫过全身。不自信、紧张、失语，我无处可躲。
This time was no different. It was also my first formal presentation in English to a room full of people. Because avoidance had eaten into the preparation time, I did not feel ready. The moment I fully registered where I was and what I was doing, fear took over. Doubt, tension, and silence stripped away every place I might have hidden.
然后，它结束了。
Then it was over.
我坐在车里，看着窗外静止的天空出神。奇怪的是，我没有预想中的轻松，也没有战胜恐惧后的释然。因为我并没有战胜它。
I sat in the car, staring at the still sky outside. Strangely, I did not feel the relief I had imagined, or the release that should have come from overcoming fear. I had not overcome it.
有那么一瞬间，我几乎忘了自己刚刚经历过什么。只是坐着，意识抽离，任由时间缓慢流过身体。
For a moment, I almost forgot what had just happened. I simply sat there, detached, while time moved slowly through me.
我知道逃避不能真正消解恐惧，人也不能永远停在自我保护的缝隙里。只是意识似乎总比行动先抵达。理性早已预见结局，身体却仍会在那一刻本能地退缩。
I know avoidance cannot dissolve fear, and that no one can remain forever in the narrow shelter of self-protection. But awareness always seems to arrive before action. Reason can see the ending long in advance, while the body still recoils when the moment comes.
我像是困在一种清醒的停滞中。明明知道，却无法立刻改变。时间仍不断推着我往前，不给我停下的机会。于是，恐惧渗进每一个必须开口、被注视、被评价的时刻，也迫使我一次次看见真实的自己：脆弱、怯懦、局限，以及那些始终没能彻底摆脱的部分。
I seem caught in a lucid standstill: fully aware, yet unable to change at once. Time keeps pushing me forward and offers no chance to stop. Fear enters every moment when I must speak, be watched, or be judged. Each one forces me to see myself more clearly: my fragility, timidity, limits, and the parts I have never managed to leave behind.
夜幕降临，路灯微明。我清楚，自己或许永远无法彻底摆脱恐惧。可我还是启动了车辆，听着引擎低沉的轰鸣，继续驶进夜色。
Night fell and the streetlights came on. I know I may never be entirely free of fear. Still, I started the car and drove on into the dark, accompanied by the low rumble of the engine.
